Life, Death and Everything in Between

The New Year is a time to think about life – past, present and future.   Tonight, the first night of the New Year - I am reflecting, crying, thinking, smiling and writing.  Racing through my head are years, moments, people, places, love, loss, choice, change, regret, hopes, memories, dreams….

The sum of these thoughts racing through my head is life – my life.  The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the happy, the sad, the right, the wrong – it is the story of my life.

As I think about my life, I also think about my death.  I think of it not as the end – but as the grand finale of the most amazing story I could possibly write. 

You know you’ve thought about it – your funeral - who will be there, how many people will be there, what will they say, what stories will they tell, will there be laughter, will there be tears, will there be a song, will there be pictures, what will it be like?

I live with intention and purpose; I am motivated by love not fear; guided by light not darkness.  I hold my friends close, my family closer and I never stop working on my relationship with myself.

I open my eyes to see the miracle that is life, I open my heart to feel the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, I open my mind with understanding and compassion knowing that we come in all colors, shapes and sizes and life has no instructions.

When my time comes, when my eulogy is read, there will be no shortage of stories – stories of laughter, happiness, strength, courage and love.  How do I know this – because I’m writing it – each and every day of my life.  This life was handed to me – but the way I choose to live it is all up to me, I am the only one in control – and I am going to live inspired.

I will leave you with this:

• It’s your life, make the most of it, make it good, make it real, make it memorable, make it magical and own it! 
• If you have the opportunity and ability – spread the love.
• Eulogize the living – don’t wait until they are the only one in the room that can’t hear you – for goodness sake they are the ones that would appreciate your words the most.

I love the song Amazing Grace, by Aaron Neville.  It is soul stirring and the perfect song for reflection.  Listen and listen.

Much Love,

Megan

My Story - My Life

I held it in my hand – knowing what the answer would be – one line appeared and then there were 2.  

I am pregnant.

I lay on the table in Planned Parenthood – “Do you want to see the image, do you want to know if it’s twins?” – I answer with a definitive no.

I am pregnant.

I sit alone – the last to be called – watching as 1 by 1 – 2 become 1.

I am pregnant.

I did the only thing I could bring myself to do – I cry hysterically as I drive away.

I am pregnant.

I cradle my stomach, I picture her face, I smile.

I am pregnant.

I see the signs - I wake up with confirmation – I tell myself that everything happens for a reason.

I am not pregnant. 

It’s been a long time since I wrote.  At times I can’t translate my life experiences, thoughts and emotions into words.  This is one of those times.  I have so much to say, but could never begin to say it all.  I have stripped it down to the facts.  I will elaborate, when the time is right. 

I tell my story, I tell it despite the critics, despite the judgement, despite it all – because it is my story to tell and it is what I came here to do.

Xoxo,
Megan

Live Out Loud - A Storytelling Series: The Ranger and the Bitch

We have had some gorgeous weekends.  What better to do when the weather is amazing than get outside and head to the mountains?  I love driving along the skyline drive, swinging through the overlooks, going for a hike, picnicking and keeping my eyes peeled for wildlife!

I had just finished saying how much I would love to see some neat wildlife, when an itty bitty baby bear came trundling across the road in front of us.  It was the smallest, cutest, newest bear I have ever seen.  We stopped to let it across the road, then it headed up the side of a bank to meet it’s mama at the top of the hill.  What a thrill it was to watch!

Turns out – that wasn’t the only thrill we’d experience.  As we were getting ready to start driving again, a car pulled up behind us – it was a park ranger.  We started heading up the road and almost immediately saw flashing lights.  We pulled over and he approached the car growling, “License and Registration”, without skipping a beat he demanded, “Roll down your back window”, same breath, “Is there anything in the vehicle I should know about”?  At this point I’m thinking, wait a second, where was the “Do you know what you did”?  Maybe I blacked out for a minute – while I was recklessly driving, with a beer in one hand, a rifle in the other, a joint hanging on my lips, target practicing on protected species.  That would help put his rudeness into context.  I took it upon myself to ask (from the passenger seat) – “Why are you being such an ASS”?  He commences to tell me about the risk of head on collisions and how serious it is that we stopped – never even asking why we stopped.  I’m thinking, are we or are we not in the National Park where the speed limit is 35, and do you or do you not want me to steam roll a baby bear?

He heads back to his car to run the license and registration.  Then he approaches our vehicle again with the same shitty attitude.  So I ask again, “Why are you still being a DICK”?  He proceeds to gather up my license and saunter back to his car.  Eventually he returns and tells us that he has decided not to give us a reckless driving ticket, but to never yada yada yada.

Moral of the story – demand respect and reciprocate respect.  Don’t get pulled over with a feisty bitch in your passenger seat because she will enjoy every second of you squirming in the driver’s seat.  I absolutely love when people in authority are humble, genuine, nice and RESPECTFUL.  Message delivery is key.  (DO NOT STOP on the skyline drive, even if it means squashing a baby bear.)

(For all of you law enforcement officers – thank you for everything you do day in and day out – I really do respect and appreciate what you do – but there is definitely a way to approach people and situations and a way NOT to approach people and situations.  I prefer the personality of the ranger at the top of the post...awww.)

To a long life for that baby bear,

Megan

Bless Her Heart

Yesterday was Easter.  

My Facebook news feed was bursting at the seams with adorable outfits, adorable children, adorable families and LOTS OF LOVE!

Cut to the Greene County Park – and juxtapose this…

Calling them “shorts” is too much of a stretch – so we will refer to them as “boy shorts” AKA underwear.  I can just see her picking out her Easter outfit now…doing a 360 in front of the mirror in her underwear trying to decide what shoes and shirt to pair with them.  Black kitten heals – YES – they are just the ticket for our time at the park.  Pink, sheer, spaghetti strap tank top – YES – my Easter outfit is complete.  Wait, wait, wait – an outfit is never complete without accessories – good thing I have this cigarette hanging out of my mouth – it brings all the kiddies to the playground.

So – there she is – in all her glory.  She is on the phone the entire time with what seems to be her “man”.  She is talking about how hard she is trying to make their relationship work, she says, “I am ignoring them so I can talk to you”.  Good to know her priorities are in the right place – I wouldn’t want to find out that she is ACTUALLY playing with her children at the playground at the detriment of her relationship with the person on the other end of the PHONE.  “They are still fucking playing”, she says.  Apparently she was trying to get them to go – but that wasn’t even obvious to me.  “I am never bringing them back to the playground again”, she tells him.  “Put on your damn shoes”, she screams at her kids.

My eyes are wide, my boy’s eyes are wide and this experience was impressionable to me and my boys and the three of us learned something about ourselves, our family dynamic, other children, other families, other mothers and life.

To the ideas that everything is relative, growth is continuous, alignment is key, happiness comes from within and nothing is worth more than this day.

-Meg

What’s in your crawl space?

Driving to work today I saw a billboard for a pest control company with pictures of disgusting bugs and the question, “What’s in your crawl space?”  By brain made a metaphorical segueway in a nanosecond and led me to this…

Keep your mind out of the gutter – I am not talking about human anatomy.  (But if I were – my answer would be cobwebs.)

A crawl space is something most of us avoid like the plague.  If necessary I peak in – but even then – I’m holding my breath and leaning over as far as possible while standing in the light of day.  It is such a scary place, full of cave crickets, spiders, darkness, dampness, dirt and who knows what.

We all have a “crawl space” if you will.  A place that we would rather not visit that is inhabited by things we would rather not see or think about.  Maybe your crawl space has painful events from the past, negative parts of the present or fearful thoughts of the future.  It’s possible your crawl space is empty – it’s safe – but it’s still a bit dark and depressing.

What’s my point?  My point is you are not alone.  We all have moments we are not proud of that make us embarrassed or ashamed.  We all have memories or thoughts that cause us pain or heartache.  We all have experiences that make us impatient, irritable and angry.  We are all human, we are all far from perfect, but many of us are truly doing the best that we can.  Try not to let it eat away at you, to multiply, to fester and to grow.  You can accept what’s in your crawl space or you can clean it out.  Either of these options is cleansing, and freeing and positive.

 

Clean it out,

Megan

Do you know yourself?

Take One: 

Do you know yourself?

Oh hell yeah I know myself.  I am a strong independent woman who knows what I believe in, what I stand for and what I want in life – don’t doubt me!

Take Two:

Do you know yourself?

Um, I think so, what do you think, do you think I know myself, do you know me, WHO AM I?!

I OBVIOUSLY fall into the “Take One” category (wink, wink), but for those of you who fall into the “Take Two” category I recently read an article that may help you find your true self by asking 5 questions – which I’ve narrowed down to 3.

These questions are rather hard, and I think answering them honestly could be embarrassing or even painful.  But take a stab at it and see if you learn anything about yourself.

 

Who do you envy and why?

Rather than look at the negative side of envy and jealously, put a positive spin on it.  If you identify why you envy them, maybe there are changes/choices you can make in your own life to attain the very things that make you envious.

I envy people with a nuclear family, freedom and money.  This information is a starting place for me to align my life with what I value.  This tells me that I want to have plenty of money, but I want to find the freedom and flexibility to put my family first.

 

What do you lie about?

(Insert answer here.)

"Anything we try to hide is a big red flag. The lie is a disconnect between your behavior and your values." - Lisa Rankin

What do you do for fun?

What you do for fun makes you happy.  What you do for fun makes you interesting.  What you do for fun makes you, YOU!

 

I run, I hike, I take exercise classes , I go to my favorite spots for shopping, or food, or lattes, I go for drives, I do DIY projects,  I spend time with friends, I go away on the weekends…I WRITE!  What would I like to do?  I’d like to get back into photography, play the guitar and cook - just to name a few.

I am on a journey to get to know myself better.  I want to find myself - I want to find my path - I want to find where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be there with.

“The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.” – Toni Collette

Me, myself and I,

Megan

The Real Housewives of Greene County

We are “The Real Housewives of Greene County.”  Maybe some of us aren’t housewives, maybe some of us aren’t even wives but I can guarantee we are all real!

If you are picturing glamorous women in stilettos and mini-dresses with perfect hair, make-up and nails then you caught us on a REALLY good day.  If you are picturing boots, jeans, bad hair day, no make-up and hang nails then you are right on target…I did say Greene County after all.

We just had a girl’s weekend – which is the inspiration for our first episode…

The Real Housewives of Greene County – Episode 1
“You can take the girls out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girls.”

Cue music, Jason Aldean, “She’s Country”.  Enter Melissa, Kristen, Ginger, Casey (she has different music – just sayin’) and yours truly, Megan.  Begin highlight reel…

Day 1:

• 1 SUV packed floor to ceiling with clothes, shoes, jewelry, make-up, accessories and a breakfast casserole (thank you domestic diva Ginger – I mean really who packs a breakfast casserole of all things)…for 2 itty bitty nights away from home.
• 1 really late start – thank you Kristen – you never disappoint.  2 McNugget meals split 4 ways, 6 phone calls from Casey asking why we are so far behind schedule, 1 driver named Melissa concentrating so hard that she missed all of the awesome/not so awesome details of our conversations.
• 1 mini birthday celebration - minus a gift from Kristen (sorry Kristen I had to), 2 filet mignons that looked like burnt pancakes, 2 free meals, 1 order of chicken quesadillas that Ginger pretended like she was eating, 1 winter coat strip tease to “Talk Dirty to Me” in the parking lot with high beam strobe lights, 1 very blonde girl videoing herself on accident, 2 girls on a luggage cart attempting to make it down the hall without using their feet/legs, 1 piece of cake that Casey was trying to save for later in the bathroom, smashed into Ginger’s face by Melissa (payback is a biscuit), 1 late night banana for Ginger…yum!

Day 2:

• 5 tired girls, 1 high maintenance diva in need of coffee, a LONG trip to Starbuck’s, OUTLET MALL, spend entirely too much time in Coach – including selfies, group photos and hugs for the employees, a ridiculous amount of money spent on sunglasses that should be cheap, uh oh Casey is hungry and we can’t find food, Megan refuses to lag behind for fear of bodily harm by Casey, the others venture into a store taking their life in Casey’s hands, 1 pretzel in the nick of time, Casey much more friendly, explosive diarrhea (guess who), 1 SUV full of bags, shoppers remorse, picture with loot.
• Hair, make-up, group pictures, off to find dinner, convince Casey to drive into downtown Williamsburg despite the fact that she claims it is the most boring place ever, she quickly turns around for fear of getting sucked into the black hole of nothingness, 1 stop at a bus stop where Casey tries to kick Megan to the curb because Megan is being bad in the back seat, group decision to eat at Carabbas, Melissa petrified to order the Fettuccine Alfredo for fear of a stomach ache, have no fear after much consideration she ordered it anyway, dorky idea to say what we most like about the person to our right, Casey looking to her right to a table of complete strangers (kind of shady looking) saying – “I don’t know a thing about them”, Melissa shedding a tear because of how much we love her.
• Pajamas, yes mine happen to have mini mouse and ruffles, yes all of my friends made fun of me, yes Ginger said her 4 year old daughter wants her pants back, yes my shirt and socks clashed horribly with my pants, yes Melissa just so happened to have a brand new pair of pajamas along with her new wardrobe that she bought specifically for this 2 day trip to Williamsburg, 1 bodily comparison session (no more details available), 1 picture of Megan that Melissa likened to Chester Cheetah – now Melissa lovingly calls her Chesta from that day forward (you bitch – love you), 3 girls in 1 bed, 1 girl sleeping, 1 girl still taking pictures of said girl sleeping, strange noise, 1 girl wakes up 1 girl sleeping asking “Did you hear that?”, 1 scared girl thinking that someone was picking the lock into our condo, 1 private detective, AKA Melissa, finding that the source of the break-in was Ginger’s birthday balloons scratching on the ceiling, 5 girls finally asleep.

Day 3:

• A few tears because it’s our last day, consolidating all of our loot, 1 last stop at the Outlet stores, 1 very old lady on a bench filling out job applications (broke my heart), 1 drive home, 1 serious conversation about life and babies, 1 serious conversation about the negative side effects of Miralax on children…The End.

Recap:

• I can’t put into words how much I love my friends.  They are my chosen family.  We laugh together, we cry together, we grow together, we learn together and we love together.  We keep each other honest, we keep each other humble and we are all better people because we have each other.  We have been through the darkest of times together and we have shared the happiest moments.  I will choose this family, and my actions will insure they choose me, today, tomorrow and every day thereafter.  I love you and that will never change.

This song reminds me of all of you.  Because you are "lovely" and I love you just the way you are!

Love,
Megan
AKA Chesta