I held it in my hand – knowing what the answer would be – one line appeared and then there were 2. I am pregnant. I lay on the table in Planned Parenthood – “Do you want to see the image, do you want to know if it’s twins?” – I answer with a definitive no. I am pregnant. I sit alone – the last to be called – watching as 1 by 1 – 2 become 1. I am pregnant. I did the only thing I could bring myself to do – I cry hysterically as I drive away. I am pregnant. I cradle my stomach, I picture her face, I smile. I am pregnant. I see the signs - I wake up with confirmation – I tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I am not pregnant. It’s been a long time since I wrote. At times I can’t translate my life experiences, thoughts and emotions into words. This is one of those times. I have so much to say, but could never begin to say it all. I have stripped it down to the facts. I will elaborate, when the time is right. I tell my story, I tell it despite the critics, despite the judgement, despite it all – because it is my story to tell and it is what I came here to do. Xoxo, Megan
We have had some gorgeous weekends. What better to do when the weather is amazing
than get outside and head to the mountains?
I love driving along the skyline drive, swinging through the overlooks,
going for a hike, picnicking and keeping my eyes peeled for wildlife!
I had just finished saying how much I would love to see some
neat wildlife, when an itty bitty baby bear came trundling across the road in
front of us. It was the smallest,
cutest, newest bear I have ever seen. We
stopped to let it across the road, then it headed up the side of a bank to meet
it’s mama at the top of the hill. What a
thrill it was to watch!
Turns out – that wasn’t the only thrill we’d
experience. As we were getting ready to
start driving again, a car pulled up behind us – it was a park ranger. We started heading up the road and almost
immediately saw flashing lights. We
pulled over and he approached the car growling, “License and Registration”,
without skipping a beat he demanded, “Roll down your back window”, same breath,
“Is there anything in the vehicle I should know about”? At this point I’m thinking, wait a second,
where was the “Do you know what you did”?
Maybe I blacked out for a minute – while I was recklessly driving, with
a beer in one hand, a rifle in the other, a joint hanging on my lips, target
practicing on protected species. That
would help put his rudeness into context.
I took it upon myself to ask (from the passenger seat) – “Why are you
being such an ASS”? He commences to tell
me about the risk of head on collisions and how serious it is that we stopped –
never even asking why we stopped. I’m
thinking, are we or are we not in the National Park where the speed limit is
35, and do you or do you not want me to steam roll a baby bear?
He heads back to his car to run the license and
registration. Then he approaches our
vehicle again with the same shitty attitude.
So I ask again, “Why are you still being a DICK”? He proceeds to gather up my license and
saunter back to his car. Eventually he
returns and tells us that he has decided not to give us a reckless driving
ticket, but to never yada yada yada.
Moral of the story – demand respect and reciprocate
respect. Don’t get pulled over with a
feisty bitch in your passenger seat because she will enjoy every second of you
squirming in the driver’s seat. I
absolutely love when people in authority are humble, genuine, nice and
RESPECTFUL. Message delivery is key. (DO NOT STOP on the skyline drive, even if it
means squashing a baby bear.)
(For all of you law enforcement officers – thank you for
everything you do day in and day out – I really do respect and appreciate what
you do – but there is definitely a way to approach people and situations and a way NOT to approach people and situations. I prefer the personality of the ranger at the top of the post...awww.)
My Facebook news feed was bursting at the seams with adorable outfits,
adorable children, adorable families and LOTS OF LOVE!
Cut to the Greene County Park – and juxtapose this…
Calling them “shorts” is too much of a stretch – so we will
refer to them as “boy shorts” AKA underwear.
I can just see her picking out her Easter outfit now…doing a 360 in
front of the mirror in her underwear trying to decide what shoes and
shirt to pair with them. Black kitten heals – YES – they are just the ticket for our time at the
park. Pink, sheer, spaghetti strap tank
top – YES – my Easter outfit is complete.
Wait, wait, wait – an outfit is never complete without accessories –
good thing I have this cigarette hanging out of my mouth – it brings all the
kiddies to the playground.
So – there she is – in all her glory. She is on the phone the entire time with what
seems to be her “man”. She is talking about
how hard she is trying to make their relationship work, she says, “I am ignoring them so I can talk to you”.
Good to know her priorities are in the right place – I wouldn’t want to
find out that she is ACTUALLY playing with her children at the playground at
the detriment of her relationship with the person on the other end of the PHONE. “They are still fucking playing”, she
says. Apparently she was trying to get
them to go – but that wasn’t even obvious to me. “I am never bringing them back to the
playground again”, she tells him. “Put
on your damn shoes”, she screams at her kids.
My eyes are wide, my boy’s eyes are wide and this experience
was impressionable to me and my boys and the three of us learned something
about ourselves, our family dynamic, other children, other families, other
mothers and life.
To the ideas that everything is relative, growth is
continuous, alignment is key, happiness comes from within and nothing is worth
more than this day.
Driving to work today I saw a billboard for a pest control
company with pictures of disgusting bugs and the question, “What’s in your
crawl space?” By brain made a
metaphorical segueway in a nanosecond and led me to this…
Keep your mind out of the gutter – I am not talking about
human anatomy. (But if I were – my answer
would be cobwebs.)
A crawl space is something most of us avoid like the
plague. If necessary I peak in – but even
then – I’m holding my breath and leaning over as far as possible while standing
in the light of day. It is such a scary
place, full of cave crickets, spiders, darkness, dampness, dirt and who knows
what.
We all have a “crawl space” if you will. A place that we would rather not visit that
is inhabited by things we would rather not see or think about. Maybe your crawl space has painful events
from the past, negative parts of the present or fearful thoughts of the future. It’s possible your crawl space is empty – it’s
safe – but it’s still a bit dark and depressing.
What’s my point? My
point is you are not alone. We all have
moments we are not proud of that make us embarrassed or ashamed. We all have memories or thoughts that cause us pain or
heartache. We all have experiences that
make us impatient, irritable and angry.
We are all human, we are all far from perfect, but many of us are truly
doing the best that we can. Try not to let it eat away at you, to multiply, to fester
and to grow.You can accept what’s in
your crawl space or you can clean it out.Either of these options is cleansing, and freeing and positive.
Oh hell yeah I know
myself. I am a strong independent woman
who knows what I believe in, what I stand for and what I want in life – don’t
doubt me!
Take Two:
Do you know yourself?
Um, I think so, what
do you think, do you think I know myself, do you know me, WHO AM I?!
I OBVIOUSLY fall into the “Take One” category (wink, wink),
but for those of you who fall into the “Take Two” category I recently read an
article that may help you find your true self by asking 5 questions – which I’ve
narrowed down to 3.
These questions are rather hard, and I think answering them
honestly could be embarrassing or even painful.
But take a stab at it and see if you learn anything about yourself.
Who do you
envy and why?
Rather than
look at the negative side of envy and jealously, put a positive spin on
it. If you identify why you envy them,
maybe there are changes/choices you can make in your own life to attain the
very things that make you envious.
I envy
people with a nuclear family, freedom and money. This information is a starting place for me
to align my life with what I value. This
tells me that I want to have plenty of money, but I want to find the freedom
and flexibility to put my family first.
What do you
lie about?
(Insert answer
here.)
"Anything we try to hide is a big red flag. The lie is a disconnect between your behavior and your values." - Lisa Rankin
What do you do for fun?
What you do for fun makes you happy. What you do for fun makes you
interesting. What you do for fun makes
you, YOU!
I run, I hike, I take exercise classes , I go to my favorite
spots for shopping, or food, or lattes, I go for drives, I do DIY projects, I spend time with friends, I go away on the
weekends…I WRITE! What would I like to
do? I’d like to get back into photography,
play the guitar and cook - just to name a few.
I am on a journey to get to know myself better. I want to find myself - I want to find my path - I want to find where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be there with.
“The better you know
yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.” – Toni
Collette
We are “The Real Housewives of Greene County.” Maybe some of us aren’t housewives, maybe some of us aren’t even wives but I can guarantee we are all real!
If you are picturing glamorous women in stilettos and mini-dresses with perfect hair, make-up and nails then you caught us on a REALLY good day. If you are picturing boots, jeans, bad hair day, no make-up and hang nails then you are right on target…I did say Greene County after all.
We just had a girl’s weekend – which is the inspiration for our first episode…
The Real Housewives of Greene County – Episode 1
“You can take the girls out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girls.”
Cue music, Jason Aldean, “She’s Country”. Enter Melissa, Kristen, Ginger, Casey (she has different music – just sayin’) and yours truly, Megan. Begin highlight reel…
Day 1:
1 SUV packed floor to ceiling with clothes, shoes, jewelry, make-up, accessories and a breakfast casserole (thank you domestic diva Ginger – I mean really who packs a breakfast casserole of all things)…for 2 itty bitty nights away from home.
1 really late start – thank you Kristen – you never disappoint. 2 McNugget meals split 4 ways, 6 phone calls from Casey asking why we are so far behind schedule, 1 driver named Melissa concentrating so hard that she missed all of the awesome/not so awesome details of our conversations.
1 mini birthday celebration - minus a gift from Kristen (sorry Kristen I had to), 2 filet mignons that looked like burnt pancakes, 2 free meals, 1 order of chicken quesadillas that Ginger pretended like she was eating, 1 winter coat strip tease to “Talk Dirty to Me” in the parking lot with high beam strobe lights, 1 very blonde girl videoing herself on accident, 2 girls on a luggage cart attempting to make it down the hall without using their feet/legs, 1 piece of cake that Casey was trying to save for later in the bathroom, smashed into Ginger’s face by Melissa (payback is a biscuit), 1 late night banana for Ginger…yum!
Day 2:
5 tired girls, 1 high maintenance diva in need of coffee, a LONG trip to Starbuck’s, OUTLET MALL, spend entirely too much time in Coach – including selfies, group photos and hugs for the employees, a ridiculous amount of money spent on sunglasses that should be cheap, uh oh Casey is hungry and we can’t find food, Megan refuses to lag behind for fear of bodily harm by Casey, the others venture into a store taking their life in Casey’s hands, 1 pretzel in the nick of time, Casey much more friendly, explosive diarrhea (guess who), 1 SUV full of bags, shoppers remorse, picture with loot.
Hair, make-up, group pictures, off to find dinner, convince Casey to drive into downtown Williamsburg despite the fact that she claims it is the most boring place ever, she quickly turns around for fear of getting sucked into the black hole of nothingness, 1 stop at a bus stop where Casey tries to kick Megan to the curb because Megan is being bad in the back seat, group decision to eat at Carabbas, Melissa petrified to order the Fettuccine Alfredo for fear of a stomach ache, have no fear after much consideration she ordered it anyway, dorky idea to say what we most like about the person to our right, Casey looking to her right to a table of complete strangers (kind of shady looking) saying – “I don’t know a thing about them”, Melissa shedding a tear because of how much we love her.
Pajamas, yes mine happen to have mini mouse and ruffles, yes all of my friends made fun of me, yes Ginger said her 4 year old daughter wants her pants back, yes my shirt and socks clashed horribly with my pants, yes Melissa just so happened to have a brand new pair of pajamas along with her new wardrobe that she bought specifically for this 2 day trip to Williamsburg, 1 bodily comparison session (no more details available), 1 picture of Megan that Melissa likened to Chester Cheetah – now Melissa lovingly calls her Chesta from that day forward (you bitch – love you), 3 girls in 1 bed, 1 girl sleeping, 1 girl still taking pictures of said girl sleeping, strange noise, 1 girl wakes up 1 girl sleeping asking “Did you hear that?”, 1 scared girl thinking that someone was picking the lock into our condo, 1 private detective, AKA Melissa, finding that the source of the break-in was Ginger’s birthday balloons scratching on the ceiling, 5 girls finally asleep.
Day 3:
A few tears because it’s our last day, consolidating all of our loot, 1 last stop at the Outlet stores, 1 very old lady on a bench filling out job applications (broke my heart), 1 drive home, 1 serious conversation about life and babies, 1 serious conversation about the negative side effects of Miralax on children…The End.
Recap:
I can’t put into words how much I love my friends. They are my chosen family. We laugh together, we cry together, we grow together, we learn together and we love together. We keep each other honest, we keep each other humble and we are all better people because we have each other. We have been through the darkest of times together and we have shared the happiest moments. I will choose this family, and my actions will insure they choose me, today, tomorrow and every day thereafter. I love you and that will never change.
This song reminds me of all of you. Because you are "lovely" and I love you just the way you are!
I don’t want a second chance. A second chance means I hurt you – possibly
beyond repair. A second chance means I
broke your trust – possibly beyond repair.
A second chance means I was willing to give you up. A second chance means I took you for
granted. A second chance means I made a
choice at your expense. A second chance sets a precedent – you can now
hurt me as much as I hurt you; then you will expect me to forgive you. A second chance means – somewhere in my future – maybe when I least expect it – I will reap what I sow.
I want a relationship where there are no second
chances. I want the first chance to be
all we need. I want to love and to be
loved. I want to choose you and to be
chosen. I never want to take you for
granted or be taken for granted. I don’t
want to have to lose you to know how much I love you.
I don’t ever want to let you go.
"He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing. ~Sherman Alexie
I’ve got chills…I get them every time I read this sentence. I came across it some time ago, saved it to
my desktop and knew it would become a blog post someday.
Relationships are about love and choices. You can love someone and make the right
choices or you can love someone and make the wrong choices. One of the saddest experiences in life is
when you do love someone and you make the wrong choices. Some of you may think: how do you love
someone and make the wrong choices? Some
of you may assume that means you don’t love someone. I think you can absolutely love someone, I
think you can make the wrong choices and with those choices I think you can
hurt yourself more than you have ever hurt anyone else.
Life is full of choices, opportunity and temptation. That’s why the sentence above speaks to
me. It’s not enough just to love
someone. I tried to emphasize this in my
“Show Me the Love” post from December.
You must love someone, you must show them you love them through your actions,
you must prove you love them through your choices.
He loved her, he chose her, day
after day, week after week, month after month, year after year until they were
each other’s forever. I want to be someone's forever.
We all vent. We all
complain. After all, we are all
human.
I think excessive complaining is learned, it can become a
habit and I would like to make sure it is something that I am not known for and
that I don’t teach my children.
My point is, there are more important things in life. Don’t let your complaints overshadow what is
important in life. Before we complain we
need to stop and count our blessings, we need to gain perspective and we need
to realize that relative to many people in the world we are beyond fortunate.
I am humbled to the core when I witness the struggles and
misfortunes that people live with and rise above. There was a lady recently hit and killed by a
drunk driver while on her morning run, this made me thankful for every
exhausted step I have run since. There
was a man dining beside me in a restaurant in a wheelchair without the
use of his arms or legs, this made me thankful for each bite of food I was able to feed
myself and enjoy. I have known women who
are unable to get pregnant or have not been able to carry their baby to full
term, this makes me thankful for every nauseous moment, ache, pain and
discomfort of my pregnancies. I have
known people who have desperately wanted a family but are unable to have one, this makes me thankful for
the minivan, the fighting matches, the mine field of toys and all of the trials
and tribulations of being a mother.
If you wake up in the morning, count your blessings. If you are able to have breakfast, lunch and
dinner, count your blessings. If you are
able to drive to work and earn a paycheck, count your blessings. If you have a place to come home to, count
your blessings. If you have a spouse, a
child, a companion, a pet count your blessings.
You are blessed my friend.
Next time you find a complaint getting ready to slip out of
your lips, bite your tongue and think before you speak. Save the energy you would spend complaining
and use it to work towards a solution.
P.S. Nobody likes a perpetual complainer, especially when your complaints are
unfounded, then you just come across as a whiny, self-centered, ungrateful
human being.
Self-right-eous Having or characterized by a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior Confession – I have a potty mouth and I occasionally blurt out obscenities and profanity. If you are offended by this, please don’t read on, as this post is going to be uncensored.
You self-righteous mother fucker. You have the audacity to judge me, to disrespect me and to publicly shun my family. It’s time you dismounted that high horse of yours, dropped that holier-than-thou attitude and looked in the mirror. What would you see if you looked in the mirror? The mask you wear to hide your true self?
Let me tell you what I see when I look in the mirror. I see someone who hasn’t always made the right choices, someone who has made mistakes, someone who may even have regrets. I see a woman who is finding her way in life, who is giving it all she has, who is doing her best. I sometimes see tears for a broken family, or aging parents or her children growing up too fast. I sometimes see a smile for counted blessings, or kind words, or acts of love. I sometimes see hollow eyes, from an empty soul, where anxiety and depression live. I sometimes see a spark, for new adventure, for renewed faith, for being alive. I see a woman, a friend, a daughter, a mother, a human.
I am human. I am not perfect. You are human. You are not perfect. With my imperfections,
Once upon a time…nearly 33 years ago…a baby girl was
born. They called her Megan and so her story
began. Her life has been full of love,
burdened with hate, blessed with births, lightened by laughter, pierced with
pain, eased by forgiveness, but most of all it has been real, it has been true
and it has been her own.
Each of us has a story, an epic autobiography, made up of
all of our life experiences. Some of us share
our stories while others prefer to keep them quiet. I have discovered that the more I share the
more I learn and the more I learn the more I share. My learning is twofold. One, when I verbalize my feelings and share my
story, I almost always learn something about myself. This is critical to self-understanding,
growth, and happiness. Two, when I
verbalize my feelings and share my story, I almost always learn something about
someone else. This is critical to
understanding, compassion and empathy for others.
Everyone we meet has a story. They may be standing in front of you today, disrespecting you for no apparent reason, but yesterday they may have held their loved
one while they took their last breath. Give people the benefit of the doubt, share,
listen, learn and love. Every heart has
a story to tell.
